Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You smell like stripper and shame
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
