I cut my penus on the lid.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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