I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
