I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize