Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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