Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
