a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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