Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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