my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
