when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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