I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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