I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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