Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
