I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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