once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I use my feet as sexual weapons
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
