Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize