Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
