I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
