Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
