Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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