Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
then he tried to convert me to islam
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Who died my cat blue again?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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