All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
