i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
