my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
