He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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