my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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