Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
