Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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