i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
