the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
