OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
