There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You were trust falling into bushes
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
