I faked an abortion last night.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
