the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
