Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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