She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize