How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
sex in a hospital.. check
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
