when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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