just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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