I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
