You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
