trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
