My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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