Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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