is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
