the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize