Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
