12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
