if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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