True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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