Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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