i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
