It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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