I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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