So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
