just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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