I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
