Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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