wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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