Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize