Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
