Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
